17 and concerns

I am grateful for my capacity to understand, to adapt, and to make a situation change for the better.

Today was a fractured day. I'm concerned about the future and a special person. We talk every day but since we spoke Wednesday we have had very few words between us. I know that Thursday she was going to the doctor and she said everything is fine.

When I started studying I said we'd suppress everything until after the test. That seems like a really bad idea because I'm worried that something has happened to her and she's not going to say because she thinks it will worry me.

At this point in the course of our relationship I realize that being together takes trust and communication. I promised her before we left Grenada that I wouldn't sleep with anyone else and I would visit her in Puerto Rico. She didn't trust me then, telling me later that she thought it was the last time we would see each other. She didn't trust me when I changed an online dating/social media status to my new city, and changed my "looking for" from "relationship" to "friends". She didn't trust me in Turkey and demanded that I say what I was doing several times.

Things have just built to the point that, with the momentum and pressure of the moment, I would rather just set things straight. The words "freedom" and "less stress" were thrown out as reasons for having a more open relationship.

I'm sticking to what I said - I don't have the desire to pursue romance in Ohio; I think I might need to explore the consequences of this trip. I bought my ticket to Puerto Rico. I want to go and share that experience with her. The context is less important to me than the fact that I actually really want to go. We could be friends, lovers, official parejas. Those 10 days I have been looking forward to since she told me about her island - if she happens to have a serious problem that prevents or impairs my trip...it's better to know now so I can deal with it.

today:
4 Kaplan blocks done and reviewed
10 USMLE questions
4 pages smart sheet
60 flash cards
FA pulmonology section finished
15 anki FA cards

Tomorrow I will:
do 4 med/hard kaplan blocks
150 flash cards
15 pages smart sheet
1/2 repro section
speak with Rocio

I realize that I'm

18

I am grateful for memory, moments with family, and popcorn. 

Today was a disrupted day:

241 cards

2 Kaplan blocks + review

1 USMLE block

30 anki path cards

12 pages of smart sheet

The internet was spotty and I kept jumping mentally around. 

I got a leg workout with cardio.

I spent a quality moment with my niece and taught her how to put away food. It's fun now that we can interact. 

My goals are going to contract even more. Focus is the main priority. When I hit Tuesday I want to be finished with Kaplan and reviewing its sheets. 

Tomorrow: 

4 Kaplan blocks + review - straight for endurance.

FA - Respiratory

15 smart sheet pages

200 cards

My USMLE block went OK. I thought I did worse than what happened. Next Saturday I take another NBME and at that point I'm finished with new material. Timing and tuning will take over - UWorld blocks, smart sheets, firecracker, and FA dusting if I miss a question. 

If I took this test tomorrow hungry and tired I would score a 220. All I need is a 220. I bet I get a 236 to tie Falcon. The journey is continuing. 

19

I am grateful for all the food I've been able to eat and that my body has been able to keep itself intact these 26 beautiful years.

Today was a slow one - but good.
4 separate kaplan blocks done and reviewed 80, 82, 84, 86
My average has gone up to a 78.
I did over 100 firecracker - there were some surprise extra problems that were tough.
Read the psychiatry section of FA
Reviewed 10 smart sheets
some path slides

personal life:
got dinner and caught up with an old friend
talked with Patty

My goals might have been too high.

Tomorrow I'm going to focus on the USMLE blocks - I was curious today when I saw them.

Tomorrow I will:
USMLE 3 blocks straight
Kaplan 2 blocks + review
Firecracker 280
Smart sheet 10
Renal FA - 10 pages
meditate/yoga/PIES
Workout legs/cardio

20

I am grateful for hope - yet even happier for an enjoyable process. It's tough - but every day things get a little clearer.

Today I didn't quite meet my goals.

258 flash cards
2 Kaplan blocks done and reviewed
2 audio
1 Rx block done and reviewed
finished the FA neuro section
10 pages smart sheet

personally:
I drifted onto facebook. my new rule is none in the study room.
I worked out for an hour of cardio and hit back/bi hard.
For lunch I ate with mom for a half hour - open faced toast with fresh tomato sauce.

Tomorrow I will:
smart sheet 15 pages
5-6 Kaplan blocks
186 firecracker
Cardio, legs, possibly deadlift
20 pages FA psych

I know I can do most of that.

21

I am grateful for the track and progress, resolution, and becoming.

Today:
1 Goljan audio
3 Kaplan blocks (77, 87, 82). Reviewed
Reviewed 1 UWorld block
137 Firecracker cards
5 smart sheet pages
FA Neuro 25 pages

Personally:
Workout chest and tri +20 min cardio
Spoke with Rocio for 30 minutes
Yoga - 7 minutes
Read Peace is Every Step
Health forms completed and accepted
Printed smart sheets
Setup FB event for post-step gathering.

Tomorrow I will:
Do and review 3 Kaplan blocks
Do and review 1 Rx block
Review final UWSA 2 block
Firecracker 250
FA Neuro 15
Smart sheet 10
1 Goljan audio
Workout back/biceps
10 minute mindfulness or yoga
peace

Every day is beautiful. I have found my stride and peace in the fact that I will pass this test. The score is arbitrary to me - the process has been beautiful. I anticipate getting between 230 and 250. A number lower than 236 means I will just try differently. A number over 250 means this process was worth it.